Love and Marriage
Asking in Marriage
by Alexander Dillens (Belgium, 1821-1877)
This
post is in response to the requests that have been sent to me for an
article on marriage. While it certainly does not cover all the
scriptures on marriage, I have used a few verses that I believe are
helpful.
Marriage
has been likened to a ship. Those who enter it will understand what it
is made for, and understand that it is designed for turmoil and that
part of the voyage may not be smooth. A ship that can only survive in
calm waters is not worthy of being called a ship. Some authors have
called marriage a bridge which cannot survive unless both the support
structure and the bridge exist together.
While
the concept of endurance and strength make sense in regards to a ship
or a bridge, not everyone understands it in marriage. There is a
prevalent belief that marriage should only last as long as it is
pleasant, and that when hard times come, or when there is no romance,
it should be abandoned. The scriptures do not support this.
Home is Where the Heart Is
by Thomas Kinkade
There
have been many books about marriage, but I find the best references are
the scriptures and the examples of long marriages of people you know,
plus the simple way a husband a wife work things out together.
Different marriages have different dynamics, and it is not up to anyone
to analyze whether that marriage is "working" or not.
Some
married couples like constant communication, and others enjoy
quietness, not seeming to need to be constantly discussing everything.
Some women like to spend a lot of time sewing, while their husbands may
have other interests. None of this necessarily means there is anything
wrong with the marriage. It just means that is the way the couple has
worked things out between them, and that is how they are happiest.
To
understand your mate, it is not necessary to analyze their personality
or put them in a category of personality types. It is not necessary to
take quizzes to find out if you are having a successful marriage, a
practice which may cause doubts and dismay that did not exist before.
To be happy in marriage, it is important to accept your mate as human,
and give them room to grow and freedom to be themselves, taking into
consideration the way the way they were brought up, and their likes
and dislikes.
Streams of Living Water
by Thomas Kinkade
For husbands. One verse comes to mind regarding the way a man is to regard his wife. He is to live with her "according to knowledge":
"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." 1st Peter 3:7
The
knowledge of what pleases or displeases his wife will gain him a lot in
his relationship. If he cares how she feels about things, and will
find out what she needs or what makes her anxious or upset, he will try
to gain knowledge of these things, and bring peace to her life.
Sometimes
men do not understand the importance of listening to the opinions and
observations of their wives. They will refuse to listen to anything a
woman says. These men go through a lot of hardship in their lives
because they will not listen to their wives. They may make unwise
financial decisions or they create havoc at home because they will not
allow their wives to be real help mates to them. What is the use of
having a help meet if she is not allowed to be helpful, to warn him, to
encourage him, or to share her input in a given situation? A man who
will not listen to his wife is not living with her "according to
knowledge," as the scripture commands.
Gingerbread Cottage (tapestry wall hanging) by Thomas Kinkade
He
also should give honor to his wife, as the weaker vessel. In our homes
are often seen two kinds of vessels for eating. Some are every day
dishes and some are made of finer materials and therefore more
breakable. In Peter Marshall's Sermon, "The Keepers of the Springs,"
he refers to women as being made of finer clay. The weaker vessel is
one that must be handled with care and put in a place of honor, rather
than being treated harshly. Though a wife is equal to her husband
spiritually, she has a different role to live and is of a different
nature than a man. Husbands need to live with their wives according to
that knowledge.
The
best source of knowledge on how to live with one's wife can come from
the wife herself. No amount of marriage books, therapists, counsellors
or ministers can give a husband knowledge of marriage like his own
wife. She holds the information in her heart and all he has to do is
draw it from her.
Mountain Retreat
by Thomas Kinkade
I
used to puzzle over the next scripture that I'm including here, because
I could not imagine how a husband could be bitter against his wife.
However, there must be some logical reason that the Holy Spirit found
it important to include in the scriptures. It may speak of the tendency
in some husbands to resent their wives, but whatever the excuse for a
man to be bitter against his wife, the scripture commands him not to.
Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
A
careful look at this verse will reveal that love comes first, and if a
man loves his wife, he will not be inclined to keep a mental list of
resentments against her. First Corinthians, chapter 13 says that love
keeps no score of wrongs. Husbands need to be careful not to have too
long a memory regarding the mistakes and faults of their wives, for it
can wreak havoc later on and interfere in the peace of the home.
Home is Where the Heart Is
by Thomas Kinkade
One
way in which a man can live "according to knowledge" with his wife, is
to avoid the things which cause tension or disturbance in the heart of
the wife. For example, some men will not take their wives seriously
when they want a small repair done, or some other irritating thing
corrected, until the wives finally tire of asking and then become loud
and angry. Some men do not think their wives really "mean it" until
they pitch a fit.
A
wise husband who really wants a good relationship with God, will learn
to live with his wife "according to knowledge." If she tells him
something he could do to make her life better, it will increase his
knowledge. He can collect the knowledge he needs in order to succeed in
marriage, just by listening to his wife or observing her.
Tragically,
some men make feminists out of their wives by not treating them as
equals in marriage. While men and women do have different abilities and
different roles in marriage, the Bible teaches that they are "heirs
together" in the grace of life. They are equal in God's eyes when they
become Christians. In the Lord's kingdom, which is His church, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus."
Cobblestone Bridge
by Thomas Kinkade
For wives: Here is a verse that commands the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands.
Titus 2:4
That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children...An older woman will have been through the hills and valleys of marriage, and may even have suffered the death of her husband. Her life experiences will give her the ability to tell a younger woman what to do to make life good at home. She will know what is important and what is not. She will be able to share her knowledge of caring for the home and the husband, making it a pleasant place for him, so that he may be able to free himself of the world's pressures and enjoy the fruits of his labors. The wife will learn how to protect him from those who would take advantage of him, and how to wisely use the family income.
Make a Wish Cottage, by Thomas Kinkade
She will learn how to bring peace to his life and she will learn not to compete with him or be envious of him, because she will have her own business of keeper at home (Titus 2:5) Older women will be able to tell younger women that although their main business is tending to the home, they will not be "stuck" in the home or have any reason to feel that their role is less important than their husband's. While each person has God-given responsibilities in the home, no role is greater than the other, and each must have respect for the position of the other. A wife can help her husband be a good father and husband and a husband can help his wife be a good wife and mother. They each want the best for one another, so there is no reason to compete.
Seaside Hideaway by Thomas Kinkade
The famous love-chapter of the New Testament, First Corinthians 13, teaches that love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."
When you read in Titus 2 that the older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands, it means that they are to teach you how to make life at home beautiful and bearable, how to enjoy good things and encourage the husband in his life. It will be important to know how to endure difficulties, as well has how to be patient and kind and how to show other attributes of love found in First Corinthians 13. Helen Andelin, who wrote Fascinating Womanhood, taught woman that kindness and patience, a non-critical spirit and lack of self-righteousness, would make the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy one.
Cobblestone Mill
by Thomas Kinkade
Wives need to know that there will be events in life that will effect the marriage relationship. There may be threats against the home, or there may be financial ups and downs. There may be illness, or they may take on extra responsibilities. They may have business failures, and there may be a lot of moving around the country for one reason or another.
If the wife will follow what the Bible says she should be doing, as a wife, mother and homemaker, her home life, no matter where she lives, and no matter what the difficulties in life, will be consistent. She will have developed a reliable way of life that will give her husband reassurance and stability through all the upheavals. Sadly, there are some women who do not want to be married "for better or for worse." They only want the "better" and have no determination to stand by their husbands during the difficult times.
There are times in all marriages when there is no feeling of love, but if they at least stay together under the same roof, they may grow to appreciate things in one another that inspire admiration and loyalty. The wife has power to keep her marriage safe and to protect it from people who want to destroy it. If she will do as the Bible commands, and be a wife, mother and homemaker, she may find great triumph over any troubles that come into the marriage. It is important that love be the center of marriage, which can be manifested through patience, goodness, kindness and other things listed in First Corinthians 13. The verses in this chapter defines love at its best, and it is that kind love that can be applied to marriage.
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